I can't believe it still hurts after all these months. And all of a sudden I become so nostalgic that I just want to cry all my tears, all my frustrations, all my angers and all my confusions out. I want to scream. What has this world shaped me into? What is actually right, and what is wrong? Should I listen to my inner voice or follow the norms? Should I chase after what I really want, or do the opposite just to prevent myself from getting hurt?

I can't decide, cause I really don't know which paths hurt less. I am so confused by my feelings. This kind of feeling is so mild that you can't feel anything for most of the time and that's when the illusions step in. You think you are well and healthy again. But actually you are not. You were never well. You were never truly happy cause whenever something triggers that mended piece of your heart, it explodes like a volcano, with so much tension, so much force. But ironically, you will never be happy if you choose to follow your heart. You won't know how long you can accept him as your companion. You wont know to what extent you can allow him to make mistakes. The thing is, he wont change for you. Instead he moved on. Unlike you.

Should I place my heart out for a bet? Is this love worth betting? It's so shallow, but now with what you did, I feel like a knife just cut the mended part of my heart once more. I feel like I can't breath. I want to stay away from you. I want to forget about you completely. I feel like if I can live once more, I won't be so grateful if you happened to me. You are my source of tears. Sometimes, I feel like screaming in front of you just to let you know how I feel. Sometimes, I just want a little attention from you. Sometimes, I just want to escape from you.

I feel like I am alone in this battle. How come I feel so hollow all of a sudden? How come I feel like I don't belong anywhere? How come I feel like I am not me again? Who am I? Where am I?

Sometimes I feel a little fragile.-Delta Goodrem

I want to fly away. away from you.

where will this path take me too? I'm confused. and scared.

It's soooo true.

breath. baby breath.

oh why are you soo moody?

Wish you well,

b

the correlation between dreams and reality

baby, where's the partayyyy?
lomo, new in town! lights and nights.

dream on baby, just dream on.

I dont feel the joy of Sunday, at all. I feel like the stress is on me again. And this time, it's not a small amount. It's uniapps plus SATs plus IBPG plus family kind of stress. And to top it off, there's this kind of hatred that grew inside me in the past few days. What's with this world? Why do we have to fight soo hard for our something that is not guaranteed? Why on earth do we have to learn to stop dreaming and start working? The correlation is that either you suck up for reality and give up your dreams, or you turn your dreams into some money-sucking jobs and make them realities? You get that? and how many people can do so? How many people can turn their interests and dreams into realities? Not a lot, for sure. It's not an easy thing to do. The courage to become different, the courage to become alone in your own path, the courage to be disapproved of and discouraged. I don't think I am prepared to do that, at least not at this age. But i will not stop dreaming, I will still try hard to do something I like, and some day, it can become reality.

I hate it when i have to press the stop button in my heart when I started falling in love with something nice. It's like you have to pull yourself together and not get distracted by this oh-so-addictive interest. You get that feeling? It's painful. It's heart-wrenching, but what else can you do? You have tonnes of work before you and where can you find some lurvly time for your crazy new obsession? My parents aren't discouraging, it's just...honey...think for yourself, do you think you have time for this and that? Uniapps deadline are drawing closer, you better get started working on uniapps and get good grades and all that. It's not like i dont want to. It's just I am kinda tired of this battle. I'm totally dreading it.

ARGH. I have had enough of those talks. MA.

All I want is just a relaxing summer. ha. wishful thinking.

A bit too much is currently going on around me. I can't help but see the cruelty of life and the sufferings of innocent hearts. I can't help but want a getaway from all the noise and sadness. I can't help but choose to escape. Gullible, people shouts. So what, I did what makes me feel like living. I puked enough to feel my existence in this chaos. I laughed enough to know that tears could fall any second after I stop laughing. I loved it all hard enough that I could die. I hate sadness, but it's what makes life complete. Without emotions, I can't feel my own life so nakedly under the limelight of the stage called LIVES. Without emotions, I can't seek truth within myself.

I want to live till the day when death is nothing scary to me.

this is LIFE.

dream on,

b.

little dreamer has something to say...

the world in a camera. the world in a lomo.

how will the world look like after it gets snapshotted by a camera?

distorted, dirty, funny, colorful, colorless?

what is real and what is not real?

I mean should we see the world through the camera, or through our naked eyes?

we impose our feelings and ideas into the photo that is taken by our camera, is it because we want to capture the best picture or that we want to produce the best picture in our hearts and minds?

To me it's just weird, I mean, with all the settings of the camera and all that, what's the worth of the real scenery?

what makes the view so captivating afterall? The real view or the photo?

I dont know, but i believe i dont need an answer, because, it's beautiful just by looking at the view or simply taking pictures of it, taking pictures, you make your own view, personalize it. So that the best view will not just happen in your dreams, but in your photos.

:)

I always find pleasure in taking photos, lomo or not, cos it's more personal, it's my thing.

I hate sharing, and I think it's ok right? I mean you dont have to share EVERYTHING, that doesnt make sense.

***

i wanna escape from this oh-so-polluted world. Polluted in thinking, in words, in life. Soo dirty, soo messy, soo hazardous.. I wanna be in my little utopia. I want to be happy.

Has LPC given me the new insights in life? Yes. Has LPC made me stronger? Yes. But what am I getting out of this two years of education?

Ivy leagues? Better paid jobs? Financially secured future? Fame? Power? Happiness?

I mean it's ok to be not too good at academics, and get into a decent uni and get a job somewhere, somehow, right? it's just it seems like my education shouldn't be paid off this way. It's not equally measured in terms of time and money. Yet, seems like I am no where near getting into an IVY with my current PG and SAT scores. geez i am scared. All my life I have been striving hard to go to these schools, but seems like my current situation tells me...the opposite. THAT'S BAD. BAD BADDDD :( what to do? I am confused. I am scared.

Where is my guiding light?

B.

eternity

There's magic in the air when photos are taken.
Read on if you dont believe me.

I don't want to capture snapshots filled with faked smiles. I'd rather see your tears in that photo. you won't look ugly because you cried in it, you look beautiful because you breathe life nakedly into it.
I don't want to pose for the sake of posing. (maybe I do, when I feel like it.)
I don't want to imply meaning into a photo after it is taken.
I want my photo to have meanings (simple or complicated ones) when it is taken. But i dont necessarily take photos for the sake of the embedded meanings. I take photos when I feel like it.
Because, I am sure, there is life captured in that 3R or 4R photo or 125 mb memory, however subtle or obvious, minute or overstated.
I believe that photo breathe a meaning, somehow... intended or not.
I believe that some things just can't be express by words, verbose phrases especially, will make that certain epiphany! loses its meaning or color or essence.
I believe that captions are sometimes necessary to make people understand what that photo means. Captions serve only one purpose: to make people understand you more.
I believe that words and photos are equally important because words turn moments of epiphany into eternal inspirations. Photos, on the other hand, rather than turning ideas, turn moments of life into eternal memories.

That's the reason why i write, even though I may not write smartly or beatifully, I still write on.
That's also the reason why I take photos.

I LOVE the adrenaline rush that is brought about by simply clicking the shutter. It is that moment. The split second (one over forty second) then becomes eternity. Better put, THAT moment of life becomes eternity. And the sound of the shutter marks its transformation.






But why would one want to turn moments into eternity?
we all have our reasons to do so, don't we?
Oh spare me those cliche quotes, life is full of ups and downs blah blah blah,, capture those happy moments and look back at those good ol' times years later and wonder why on earth were we soo happy and blissful? or were we even truly happy at that time?

simplier put, it's because, we are selfish.
It doesn't necessarily mean bad selfish. in here.
I embrace my selfishness.
Because, it makes me happy.

I am happy when i am performing magic. I am happy when I can have eternal happiness through what i am doing. I am happy because this happiness spreads and inspires.

I am happy because I can be part of that inspiration to others.

And to speak my mind out, I want to be happy, eternally.
I made my choice by doing what I love to do, what about you?


If you want to be happy, be.
B.

I humbly think i am living.

I dont know.

There's something about this girl, about her life, her writing, that inspires me to think more and do more and live more like a human BEING, not a human doing.

I dont know.

There's some frustration, careful thoughts, happiness, life or wisdom sprinkled, embedded in between the lines of her writing that strikes me.

I dont know.

She is not living a perfect life. BUT she is LIVING, not just existing. And that makes all the difference.

I dont know.

I admire her. For she shows me that there is simplicity in complexity, love in hate, life in this lifeless world. It's just HOW we look at things.

One doesnt need to be a philospher to think, think and think, to find the logic in all illogical contexts, but one does need to live in order to think.

What is living? Am I living?

Through thinking, I live. Through living, I think more.

And maybe that's what i want to be.

I want to think and therefore to LIVE what i called LIFE.

In this moment, I think i finally understand what it is to say, I think therefore I am.
(no cliche intended here. it's eureka!, my dear)

I think i am living... at least for this split of second...

Maybe all it takes is a bit of a courage, a bit of inspiration and a bit of THE society that forms who i am right now.

I tend to think that writers think well and thinkers write well. I know it may not make sense to a lot of you, but after a year of education in an 'oh-so-ideal' world, I tend to understand the importance of language, like i never did before. It's through language in which we form our argument or logic or anything that makes sense to us. It's through language that makes what we think make sense to us and to the others.

I love languages, but never have i had such a strong feeling of admiration of a person just because she can write. well. not just write, but write soo well that i can't help but fall in love with her writings.

I know I am circumlocating here, but I just want to say, it's through her writing that makes me think and it's through her thinking that makes her LIVE so bravely.

I admire her. It is as simple as that.


I guess I'll end here before I stop thinking and stop living,
B