work work and more work

I love this weather. Breezy, cool yet not too cold that will give you the chills.

Sometimes, I just want to stop working and really really enjoy this kind of life.

But I can't stop.

Oh why oh why... can there be so much work?

argh :(

There is no such things as YOU CANT DO IT.

distress occurs once in a while.

not so frequently, but yeh... more frequent now then before. It's kind of scary.

I feel like screaming. Really loud, till I can free all my tears and all my fears.

I feel apprehended, lack of break and peace in my heart are driving me to my extreme.

what can i do?

;(

but then I will tell myself, you can make it through!

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK

:)

so now this is offical...

ok... I AM OFFICIALLY A SECOND YEAR.

capture the moment before it slips past you...

I think that's the only thing I wanna say to my amazing first years before it's too late. LPC has been the most amazing thing that has happened to me so far.

Yes, this is people magic.

Fell terribly ill today thanks to rotten fruits (food poisoning), vomited like crazy today, went to hospital and came back just in time for the show. waking into the canteen, I never knew I would be greeted by my lovely co-years and friends. 'GET WELL SOON' hugs made my day.

I'm okay now. thanks guys. xxx

It was a blast

Thanks for the cheers, the hugs, the shouts and the support. Everything.

I never thought we could put on such an amazing show.

Scared of the fact that I wouldn't be able to make it. Scared of the fact that I was sick the whole day and I couldn't even sing. But now, WE MADE IT.

IT wasn't such 'an imagine such a terrifying moment like this'. afterall.

you peeps are my strength.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAVNQnBWJo&feature=fvsr

before it's too late

Sometimes, it's quite unbelievable that I spend so much time into developing this lovely new hobby. I found it quite amusing how I have not had such eagerness in doing something in quite a while. And the thing is, I LIKE IT.
For all these years I kept asking the same question: what is your favorite hobby? I don't have an answer. Yet with so many explorations this year, I think I changed. Thanks for the education that I receive at LPC, if not, I won't be the person I am now. I would probably be the same old same, HA. Nothing special, nothing good.

But now I feel special, I feel that I am living LIFE. for goodness sake, I am living my life. For not only do I see myself doing things that prove my existence, but also do I think more, about myself, my family and my future.

I am scared of uncertainties, but when all that's certain about the future is erm...nothing, I don't think there's anything to lose if I put on my full gear and just simply embrace the challenges ahead. oh well, I still have my lovely CANON next to me...

Been reading a lot these days,blogs, poems, novels, magazines... and this quote keep recurring in my head after I read it...
Are you living today like your last day on earth?-Steve Jobs

Frankly speaking, not a lot of us do, we waste time doing nothing, spend time on useless agendas. And by not doing what Steve reminded us to, we are DEFINITELY wasting time, no... more simply put... wasting LIFE.

I don't want to regret a second more on not doing things I love and I enjoy. I want to make full use of my life and spend it on my family and friends, my hobbies, my studies...before it's too late.

I'll have to say goodbye before it's too late...
xx

some interesting points to note: (from: Mr. Photoman)

The truth is that when our photo enthusiast was starting out with photography by photographing what, “looked good in the frame he could see through his camera”, was a much better approach. He probably experienced some emotion when looking at the scene and unconsciously that made him decide on the framing. Although there’re exceptions most of the time that’s what photographers do, we find an existing composition and we have to frame it in a way so that it conveys a feeling or message that you want the viewer to experience or read.

There’s no right or wrong place within a frame! If you’re shooting a portrait for a magazine which runs a story of the modern woodworker, it would be perfectly fine to place the woodworker in the middle of his store and frame him in the middle of your picture. He’s the subject, the most important in the frame. You simply do not have a reason to put him anywhere else. If you would frame him left the picture becomes about the woodworkers workshop, for example.

Nothing meaningful can be said about composition if you do not know the intention or story behind the image.

like. Shouldn't phototaking be just like that?
Now, I WANT MY HOLGA!!!

Eminem - Not Afraid • Sunny Choi - International Piano Artist

B.o.B - Don't Let Me Fall • Sunny Choi - International Piano Artist

I think there is always a way...

i think there's always a way
fear not, when you don't see it
time will be your guide
keeping you safe and tight.

i think there's always a way
no matter gravel or gentle
you wander you flee
you stumble you tremble
when faith is all gone
the road will show it's path
straight through your heart.



I know this poem sounds queer.
but literature is free form.
there should be no rules, no regularity
artists break rule and that's where creativity kicks in.


I think i am not that hopeless.
with all these literature not working its way in my head.
cause, finally I see hope.
Faith, honey, faith.
that's all you have and all it takes.

AzaAza fighting!!!!!!
don't let me fall, just don't let me fall
and let these songs speak my heart out.
I shan't FEAR. I AM NOT AFRAID. :)




***
Reconciliation. finally.
I can't lose you as a friend. I'm glad we moved on, and still have one thing in common-true to ourselves.
that's all it takes, right?
***


Night out with my bffs. By the sea.
The lights, the highrise, the music, the froyo.
this is love.

argh, my comp is not letting me upload my photos, will try to do that asap. :)


I am planning to compile some photos and make a night in HK photo album with the photos taken in the past few months with my lovely camera-babies. I am soo excited about this!!!!

maybe there's more light at night,
mab.

I had a dream

about my dearest, much-loved grandpa.
I hardly remember dreams, or nightmares. Yet the images of my beautiful dream keep recurring in my head the whole day. I can sense the presence of my beloved grandpa opening his arms for me, for a tight embrace, for a lifelong comfort. Maybe I am haunted by those nightmares that are about my future, my ideals, my goals and even my life. Maybe when every little thing is uncertain, I just need a lamppost to guide my way in the dark. And when I try desperately to look for one and all I find is just a shabby, old-fashioned little lamp, I'm scared. My little self confidence is like a roller-coaster, it roars up with just a little pat on my shoulder, it plummets down with insults. And it never stays on top for too long. Yet you show me faith, you show me courage. Thank you grandpa, for appearing in my dreams, for embracing me, for comforting my trembling heart and most importantly, for shouting out encouraging words that makes me grow stronger, strive harder and do better.
I love you, grandpa, forever and always.

thanks for guiding me even when i am all alone.

aww, i am always well pampered in your arms.

I can't believe it still hurts after all these months. And all of a sudden I become so nostalgic that I just want to cry all my tears, all my frustrations, all my angers and all my confusions out. I want to scream. What has this world shaped me into? What is actually right, and what is wrong? Should I listen to my inner voice or follow the norms? Should I chase after what I really want, or do the opposite just to prevent myself from getting hurt?

I can't decide, cause I really don't know which paths hurt less. I am so confused by my feelings. This kind of feeling is so mild that you can't feel anything for most of the time and that's when the illusions step in. You think you are well and healthy again. But actually you are not. You were never well. You were never truly happy cause whenever something triggers that mended piece of your heart, it explodes like a volcano, with so much tension, so much force. But ironically, you will never be happy if you choose to follow your heart. You won't know how long you can accept him as your companion. You wont know to what extent you can allow him to make mistakes. The thing is, he wont change for you. Instead he moved on. Unlike you.

Should I place my heart out for a bet? Is this love worth betting? It's so shallow, but now with what you did, I feel like a knife just cut the mended part of my heart once more. I feel like I can't breath. I want to stay away from you. I want to forget about you completely. I feel like if I can live once more, I won't be so grateful if you happened to me. You are my source of tears. Sometimes, I feel like screaming in front of you just to let you know how I feel. Sometimes, I just want a little attention from you. Sometimes, I just want to escape from you.

I feel like I am alone in this battle. How come I feel so hollow all of a sudden? How come I feel like I don't belong anywhere? How come I feel like I am not me again? Who am I? Where am I?

Sometimes I feel a little fragile.-Delta Goodrem

I want to fly away. away from you.

where will this path take me too? I'm confused. and scared.

It's soooo true.

breath. baby breath.

oh why are you soo moody?

Wish you well,

b

the correlation between dreams and reality

baby, where's the partayyyy?
lomo, new in town! lights and nights.

dream on baby, just dream on.

I dont feel the joy of Sunday, at all. I feel like the stress is on me again. And this time, it's not a small amount. It's uniapps plus SATs plus IBPG plus family kind of stress. And to top it off, there's this kind of hatred that grew inside me in the past few days. What's with this world? Why do we have to fight soo hard for our something that is not guaranteed? Why on earth do we have to learn to stop dreaming and start working? The correlation is that either you suck up for reality and give up your dreams, or you turn your dreams into some money-sucking jobs and make them realities? You get that? and how many people can do so? How many people can turn their interests and dreams into realities? Not a lot, for sure. It's not an easy thing to do. The courage to become different, the courage to become alone in your own path, the courage to be disapproved of and discouraged. I don't think I am prepared to do that, at least not at this age. But i will not stop dreaming, I will still try hard to do something I like, and some day, it can become reality.

I hate it when i have to press the stop button in my heart when I started falling in love with something nice. It's like you have to pull yourself together and not get distracted by this oh-so-addictive interest. You get that feeling? It's painful. It's heart-wrenching, but what else can you do? You have tonnes of work before you and where can you find some lurvly time for your crazy new obsession? My parents aren't discouraging, it's just...honey...think for yourself, do you think you have time for this and that? Uniapps deadline are drawing closer, you better get started working on uniapps and get good grades and all that. It's not like i dont want to. It's just I am kinda tired of this battle. I'm totally dreading it.

ARGH. I have had enough of those talks. MA.

All I want is just a relaxing summer. ha. wishful thinking.

A bit too much is currently going on around me. I can't help but see the cruelty of life and the sufferings of innocent hearts. I can't help but want a getaway from all the noise and sadness. I can't help but choose to escape. Gullible, people shouts. So what, I did what makes me feel like living. I puked enough to feel my existence in this chaos. I laughed enough to know that tears could fall any second after I stop laughing. I loved it all hard enough that I could die. I hate sadness, but it's what makes life complete. Without emotions, I can't feel my own life so nakedly under the limelight of the stage called LIVES. Without emotions, I can't seek truth within myself.

I want to live till the day when death is nothing scary to me.

this is LIFE.

dream on,

b.

little dreamer has something to say...

the world in a camera. the world in a lomo.

how will the world look like after it gets snapshotted by a camera?

distorted, dirty, funny, colorful, colorless?

what is real and what is not real?

I mean should we see the world through the camera, or through our naked eyes?

we impose our feelings and ideas into the photo that is taken by our camera, is it because we want to capture the best picture or that we want to produce the best picture in our hearts and minds?

To me it's just weird, I mean, with all the settings of the camera and all that, what's the worth of the real scenery?

what makes the view so captivating afterall? The real view or the photo?

I dont know, but i believe i dont need an answer, because, it's beautiful just by looking at the view or simply taking pictures of it, taking pictures, you make your own view, personalize it. So that the best view will not just happen in your dreams, but in your photos.

:)

I always find pleasure in taking photos, lomo or not, cos it's more personal, it's my thing.

I hate sharing, and I think it's ok right? I mean you dont have to share EVERYTHING, that doesnt make sense.

***

i wanna escape from this oh-so-polluted world. Polluted in thinking, in words, in life. Soo dirty, soo messy, soo hazardous.. I wanna be in my little utopia. I want to be happy.

Has LPC given me the new insights in life? Yes. Has LPC made me stronger? Yes. But what am I getting out of this two years of education?

Ivy leagues? Better paid jobs? Financially secured future? Fame? Power? Happiness?

I mean it's ok to be not too good at academics, and get into a decent uni and get a job somewhere, somehow, right? it's just it seems like my education shouldn't be paid off this way. It's not equally measured in terms of time and money. Yet, seems like I am no where near getting into an IVY with my current PG and SAT scores. geez i am scared. All my life I have been striving hard to go to these schools, but seems like my current situation tells me...the opposite. THAT'S BAD. BAD BADDDD :( what to do? I am confused. I am scared.

Where is my guiding light?

B.

eternity

There's magic in the air when photos are taken.
Read on if you dont believe me.

I don't want to capture snapshots filled with faked smiles. I'd rather see your tears in that photo. you won't look ugly because you cried in it, you look beautiful because you breathe life nakedly into it.
I don't want to pose for the sake of posing. (maybe I do, when I feel like it.)
I don't want to imply meaning into a photo after it is taken.
I want my photo to have meanings (simple or complicated ones) when it is taken. But i dont necessarily take photos for the sake of the embedded meanings. I take photos when I feel like it.
Because, I am sure, there is life captured in that 3R or 4R photo or 125 mb memory, however subtle or obvious, minute or overstated.
I believe that photo breathe a meaning, somehow... intended or not.
I believe that some things just can't be express by words, verbose phrases especially, will make that certain epiphany! loses its meaning or color or essence.
I believe that captions are sometimes necessary to make people understand what that photo means. Captions serve only one purpose: to make people understand you more.
I believe that words and photos are equally important because words turn moments of epiphany into eternal inspirations. Photos, on the other hand, rather than turning ideas, turn moments of life into eternal memories.

That's the reason why i write, even though I may not write smartly or beatifully, I still write on.
That's also the reason why I take photos.

I LOVE the adrenaline rush that is brought about by simply clicking the shutter. It is that moment. The split second (one over forty second) then becomes eternity. Better put, THAT moment of life becomes eternity. And the sound of the shutter marks its transformation.






But why would one want to turn moments into eternity?
we all have our reasons to do so, don't we?
Oh spare me those cliche quotes, life is full of ups and downs blah blah blah,, capture those happy moments and look back at those good ol' times years later and wonder why on earth were we soo happy and blissful? or were we even truly happy at that time?

simplier put, it's because, we are selfish.
It doesn't necessarily mean bad selfish. in here.
I embrace my selfishness.
Because, it makes me happy.

I am happy when i am performing magic. I am happy when I can have eternal happiness through what i am doing. I am happy because this happiness spreads and inspires.

I am happy because I can be part of that inspiration to others.

And to speak my mind out, I want to be happy, eternally.
I made my choice by doing what I love to do, what about you?


If you want to be happy, be.
B.

I humbly think i am living.

I dont know.

There's something about this girl, about her life, her writing, that inspires me to think more and do more and live more like a human BEING, not a human doing.

I dont know.

There's some frustration, careful thoughts, happiness, life or wisdom sprinkled, embedded in between the lines of her writing that strikes me.

I dont know.

She is not living a perfect life. BUT she is LIVING, not just existing. And that makes all the difference.

I dont know.

I admire her. For she shows me that there is simplicity in complexity, love in hate, life in this lifeless world. It's just HOW we look at things.

One doesnt need to be a philospher to think, think and think, to find the logic in all illogical contexts, but one does need to live in order to think.

What is living? Am I living?

Through thinking, I live. Through living, I think more.

And maybe that's what i want to be.

I want to think and therefore to LIVE what i called LIFE.

In this moment, I think i finally understand what it is to say, I think therefore I am.
(no cliche intended here. it's eureka!, my dear)

I think i am living... at least for this split of second...

Maybe all it takes is a bit of a courage, a bit of inspiration and a bit of THE society that forms who i am right now.

I tend to think that writers think well and thinkers write well. I know it may not make sense to a lot of you, but after a year of education in an 'oh-so-ideal' world, I tend to understand the importance of language, like i never did before. It's through language in which we form our argument or logic or anything that makes sense to us. It's through language that makes what we think make sense to us and to the others.

I love languages, but never have i had such a strong feeling of admiration of a person just because she can write. well. not just write, but write soo well that i can't help but fall in love with her writings.

I know I am circumlocating here, but I just want to say, it's through her writing that makes me think and it's through her thinking that makes her LIVE so bravely.

I admire her. It is as simple as that.


I guess I'll end here before I stop thinking and stop living,
B

what now?

music and lyrics...

Lala Lala la la
Mmmmmm mmm
You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world
Full of wrong
Your the thing thats right
Finally made it
Through the lonely
To the other side

You set it again
My hearts in motion
Every word feels
Like a shooting star
Im at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows
Burning in the dark
And Im in love
And Im terrifed
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life
Life

This could be good
Its already better than that
And nothings worse
Than knowing your holding back
I could be all that you need
If you let me try

You set it again
My hearts in motion
Every word feels
Like a shooting star
Im at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows
Burning in the dark
And Im in love
And Im terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life

I only said it 'cause I mean it
Oh I only mean it
'Couse its true
So dont you tear
What I've been dreaming
'Couse it keeps me up
And holds me close
Whenever Im without you

You set it again
My hearts in motions
Every word feels
Like a shooting star
Im at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows
Burning in the dark
And Im in love
And Im terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life
Life, life
In my only life

simply... lovely.

sometimes, I just want to live a life.

a happy life.

but what are we looking for now,

the ultimate happiness or simply instantaneous ones??

what is the purpose of life...for one to go through all the highs and lows, ups and downs, nonetheless, hurting or being hurt by people....

what's the ultimate purpose of all these things, i mean afterall, we all embrace our afterlife, right?

I dont know, I just want to be happy.

Will dream on until reality hits.

:(

oh well, maybe it's now.

bye, chem. Hello english.

you never know...

it's been at least 3 weeks since your birthday...

it's been at least 3 weeks since it all happened.

I have been trying to heal myself from that point.

It worked quite well.

I think I am alright now.

It was really ackward last night. Between you and me.

Maybe I was oversensitive,,,

but I really want to know how you feel,
cause not talking about it definitely doesn't help. at all.

I thought we were chasing after the same goal,

but seems like you've changed your ideals ages ago.

Don't leave me alone in this battlefield.

I can't hold on any longer.

Maybe I sound all right,

But you never know, sometimes,

how your smile still makes me weak

how your words still echo in my brain

how your actions still affect my emotions...

Why is love so hard to find?

Don't feel bad because it happened this way.

Feel happy because it happened.

(secretly hoping that things will turn out the way I want them to be..)

b.

Been feeling out of place today. Exams are half done and the feeling of screwing up most of my papers aren't very nice. Well, except for maths. hopefully. Was at my worst on wednesday, I charged back into my room and just cried till tears wouldn't fall and fears wouldn't overwhelm my whole existence.

That was when I told myself, I HAVE TO STAY STRONG.

Frankly speaking, I wasn't all good at controlling my emotions, but for some reasons I can hide my true feelings in front of most of the people. I mean they will know if I am happy or pissed, but they won't know it when I feel like the whole world is crashing up on me. That's one good thing about me, I guess, people tend not to worry too much about me as they can or cannot see whether I am all panicky or stressed out, because next minute I am the chirping bird that talks non-stop again.

Oh well, how true was the statement just now?

keep asking, my friends say that my feelings are VERY obvious, it's because when I feel down and moody, I tend not to talk that much.

Oh Well.

:P

it's an addiction...

sunrise, or sunset,,, it depends on how you look at it right?

My forever addiction is to look for lovely photos from all kinds of sources. The one above is just a photo from the world wide web. Photos show a lot, but it truly depends on how you want to interpret them at that moment. Some say photos are meant to carry a meaning, well I say, it's meant to make you find your own interpretations or meanings from them. Photos don't say a thing, you are the one who impose you thoughts and feelings to them when you take it or when you just simply look at it.

***

yay for me, I have just handed in my chinese essay... oopss..twos hours late. :P At least I manage to hand in something. Wasn't been in the mood for working all these oh-so-lovely comparative essay for my IB grade, I guess it's because I was stumbling along the lines of why do I have to make this choice to come to here and all that. But who cares, I am here and I am going to make things work out. yay for me again to have regain my self esteem and confidence...for now.

Well, other than just simply flipping through the pages of my geog notes, my mind keep drifting off to other places, such as my home(-sweet-home) and exotic places that are waiting for me to explore during my 3 months long summer! (:P) Other than that, I am also thinking of some decent work-play-fun summer plans that (hopefully!) will work out.

Oh well, time to get my hand back to all those urban stress... or study stress whatsoever.

will drop by when I need some air.

3 days to go...

the feeling is intense.
I mean it's 3 more days till exam. AHEM. yep 3 more days.
Progress? to be frank...no where near done.


EEEEEEKKKKKKK. ok i am soo freaked out.
bleh.somebody SAVE ME.

The sudden thought.

Just being a little hyped up by the fact that I chose to go swimming yesterday. I guess the happy hormones starts working and is working pretty well.

Been working since eight this morning, fiddled over my pile of geog notes... Sometimes I just wonder why do I have to do all this... I mean I could have gone to some decent unis without having to be working my ass off for exams which are only 4 days down the road. I wanted to escape so badly at that time, but at this point and time I can't help asking myself, is this I place I really want to be? Things are, different. VERY DIFFERENT and it is not something I have expected at first. As time goes by, I come to full realization that humans don't really have free will. The degree of freedom is hindered by things going on around you. There are no such things as NO CONSEQUENCES of your decisions whatsoever.

Can't helping thinking of all this, maybe because of a beautiful nightmare last night?
ma, i miss you. xxx


Guess i will just live the moment until I can see the reasons not too.

that's for it now...b.

be who you want to be.

Before i am drowned in my pile of chemistry books....

i just have to say...

Thank you for the inspirations that keep me moving on...

To become the person I want to be.

:)

I started this blog because of a person I met here.
Whom inspired me to fight for my dreams.

Her courageous war against all odds...simply fascinates the audiences of her life.

She is a good writer, she is a fashion creator, and most importantly, she is just being HERSELF.

What can be more inspiring to be around a person like her?
When things just simply turn against my will, I know I can still hold on to my faith strongly. It's not like you don't have to listen to others and all that, it's just when there are doubts about your doings, exert trust and faith in your own tiny little soul. It heals and reinforces the strength inside you.

I am easily intimidated by people around me, by their looks, their strengths and everything else. I never feel comfortable writing publicly, because I never find myself good enough to do so. But this time, I really want to try. For myself. It is the first step to become who I want to be. So let this be a diary that marks my transformation in the months to come.

I am blessed to be able to escape from my old form of life to this new one. It is not perfect, it does have A LOT of flaws and imperfections, such as...oh well better stop before the list gets started on...

But,,, look at the good side, it allows me to grow up, to face the world in such a way that has forced me to give up on all my innocent dreams

about friends,

about relationships,

about families, and even

about life.

When it all breaks me, it also builds me up.
Not such as innocent as before, but rather, sharpened in a way that life has forced me into.

So far? Not bad.

One thing for sure, is that I am still me.

and a bonus that tagged along is,,,, I think I get to know myself a little more.

So, just be that person you want to be. No matter what lies in front of you.

that's it for now...

b.